November 13, 2001: Beardstravaganza 2001!

 

Today I would like to engage you, fair reader, in a comparison of facial hair. As many of you know, I've tried to look older than 13 for the last several weeks by not shaving. I've gone through the scraggly, itchy, and ugly stages and feel that I'm finally starting to round the corner. To guage my progress I decided to put my manly whiskers up against those of the Man-Child Josh Berger. It has been said that his facial stylings are the St. Louis Rams of beards - there's simply no defense against them.

 

Comparison 1: Fullness, sheen, and luster

It is clear that Josh has the upper hand in the fullness department. There is not a hint of patch or scraggle - just a rich field of facial hair goodness. The sheen and luster practically speak for themselves - I had to turn down the contrast on the webcam, there was a lens flare radiating from his beard.
Matt, on the other hand, has his work cut out for him in the fullness department. There are still some crucial gaps in the Fu-Manchu regions at the corners of the mouth as well as under the chin. However, Matt has a better-than-expected jump on the cheek regions, as they have almost completely filled in.

 

Comparison 2: The Playfulness and Vivacity Quotient

Joshua's beard demonstrates the key qualities in a lively and playful beard: 1) Good angles and shapely yet subtle curves; 2) the softness that beckons to the ladies "come here and snuggle!" A perfect 10!
Matthew's beard, while not awful, still is not anywhere close to Berger-esque. The beard does not appear too full, giving it the impression of scratchiness from a distance. Instead of a cuddly, soft facial mat of hair (pun intended), the ladies tend to see a scruffy drunk who hasn't shaved in weeks. A perfect 7!

 

Conclusions

It was obvious from the start that Mr. Berger had the upper whisker in this comparison - he's had a beard for 14 years and has in-depth experience both at creating and maintaining said beard. Mr. Raw has made some impressive strides in such a short amount of time, though it is apparent he has a long road ahead of him if he wishes to approach the standard of excellence set by his co-worker. Direct comparisons aside, we must remember to extend kudos to both for bucking the clean-shaven trend in these topsy-turvy times.