EPA SECURITY: Keeping Trees Secure since 19XX

April 3, 2002 - Washington, DC:

Today I learned something about computers and their security. What, prey tell, did I learn? I learned about how the government does such a damn good job of keeping our nations top secrets safe. You are going to meet our security officer Sherlock and read all of his wacky and useful tips.


This is your standard security badge. On close inspection, you will notice the letters "IT." Initially, you may think that the badge belongs to an officer IT. After my training, I now know that the IT means Information Technology. IT is actually an acronym.
It is a good thing that this training site is on our intranet because Apple Computer would take the EPA to court over the name "Sherlock." Everyone knows that eagles have excellent eyes and can find small objects in fields, much like Apple's Sherlock can find Files, Internet, People, Apple, Shopping, News, Reference, Entertainment AND My Channel!
I had some troubles reading our mission statement, but it cannot really be that important.

I know one thing those are not targeting, fun. I will take the lead and relate these three things to Matt's life.

  • Availability - Like Matt's Weiner (sorry Maggie)
  • Integrity - No real relation to Matt
  • Confidentiality - This is how Matt treats his various "relationships."
Sherlock's mother did a poor job raising her son. Didn't anyone tell him that it is not polite to point. On a side note, I think it would be cool if every government agency had badges that resembled their topic areas. The INS could have pictures of poor people, the FBI could have pictures of the unibomber, the ATF could have whisky bottles and the Secret Service could have pictures of Linda Tripp.
At first glance it looks like the cable is a monitor cable. Sadly that is not the case. That is a TokenRing ethernet cable. For those of you born after 1970 or whenever the hell that stuff went out of fashion, it is an IBM technology that can only survive on government contract. It also makes it impossible for me to plug my laptop into the network, rat bastards.
I like the stash on this dude. His middle finger needs animating like George Bush needs a brain. He looks similar to my network person but not quite as nerdy. This dude looks more like Ned Flanders but with a stronger hate for VIRUSES.
They stole this image from early storyboards of Apple's "Burn Baby Burn" advertisement.
It looks like a floppy disk to me.
Passwords and more coming up on the next page.